Scarless Pain
by Kattie
Summary: Quatre Raberba Winner seems like he has it all. Talent, companionship, an always present smile. But one night while passing his room, Trowa hears him crying. Could it be they're not so different after all? (To Dakishimetai from GALS)


Scarless Pain  
  
Kattie  
  
Song Info: "I Want Us to Hug" from GALS. Ending song, I believe. (Translation from Anime Lyrics dot com)  
  
Dedication: To Lunarays ^.^ you're the best! :Glomps:: Hope I don't disappoint you!  
  
Warning: 3x4. If you don't like yaoi, gomen. I'll try to keep it to a minimum.  
  
Note: Takes place before Winner-otou died- near the beginning of the show. Before most relationships have been formed. From Trowa's point of view. (Take it easy on me please . I HATE writing in first person, but after four pages, it was sounding bad in 3rd)  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the song or the characters.  
  
*Lyrics*  
  
A rose may be a rainbow, a thousand glittering dreams, a lover's smile, but it will evermore borne thorns..  
  
*I hate it, you're always smiling.  
  
Such a strong, cute, and popular person*  
  
"Good morning, Trowa," Quatre said cheerfully, flashing me a sweet smile, as he continued to make breakfast, "Did you sleep well?"  
  
Silence was his only answer. I couldn't think of any answer that would be suitable as a reply to such a jovial tone. Words wouldn't be enough, so I'd have to use nuance. For a moment I panicked, searching for an answer as I casually sat down at the table. "Nn." I said emotionlessly. It was all I could think to do.  
  
Quatre's smile broadened. "That's good. We have a mission this afternoon. I wouldn't want you to be tired."  
  
There was a crash from the other room and a few seconds later Duo appeared, his hair messy and his eyes half-closed. He was mumbling something to himself.  
  
"Good morning." Quatre told him, offering him the same grin he had given to me.  
  
Slowly, Duo shuffled over to the table and plopped down in the seat across from me. "'Mornin'," He grumbled, "Wha' time 's it?"  
  
Glancing at his watch, Quatre replied, "4:30."  
  
Duo scratched his head and yawned, "AM 'r PM?"  
  
"AM."  
  
"Why th' Hell're we awake?"  
  
Hiiro stormed into the room. "Where's Chang?" He asked, looking to Quatre.  
  
"Outside," Quatre answered, glancing toward the window of their current safehouse, "He said he didn't want to be disturbed."  
  
Why did they always ask Quatre? I didn't understand it. Whenever someone had a question, they'd automatically turn to Quatre to answer it, no matter who else was in the room. It didn't make sense. Someone else could just ask easily know the answer.  
  
Then why?  
  
* I hate it, I am slow, a dunce.  
  
No one needs me at all...*  
  
"Breakfast's ready!" Quatre called gently, his voice carrying through the house, though it seemed to only reach the volume of a dove's cooing.  
  
Glancing up from his laptop, Hiiro stared at Quatre for a moment. "Why do you insist on feeding us every morning?" He asked, without a hint of question in his tone.  
  
Blushing, Quatre proceeded to dish the food onto plates. "Everyone needs a good breakfast," he explained, "It's healthier.. I thought you might.. Enjoy it. But, if you want, I'll stop. I can-"  
  
"No," Hiiro interrupted, "That wasn't what I meant. Thank you."  
  
Quatre's face began to melt into a soft scarlet. "I'll go get Wufei." He said softly, more to himself than anyone else, as he walked towards the sliding door to the front lawn.  
  
"I thought you said he 'didn't want to be disturbed'," Duo quoted, his eyes fixing on Quatre's, "He's pretty moody. He'll probably murder you before you get a chance to explain why you.. 'Interfered' with whatever he's doing."  
  
A small grin came to Quatre's lips. "It should be all right. He's usually done meditating by now."  
  
Cocking an eyebrow, Duo looked at his blond companion incredulously, "Meditating? .. But, then how come he's always mad at me? I think he needs to meditate more. Maybe he'd stop attacking me with his katana." Duo went on muttering about Wufei's hostility towards him, complaining about him being stingy with the time spent 'contemplating life'.  
  
"I'll be right back," Quatre explained, slipping his shoes on and sliding the door open, "If you want to start serving yourselves. Or, if you wait, I can when I get back."  
  
Hiiro and Duo proceeded to argue with each other while fixing their plates, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I couldn't think of a single word to say to join their conversation. 'I'm so moronic,' I thought, 'I can't even speak to my own comrades.'  
  
*You're always skilled and don't seem to have weak points.  
  
I'm sure you often make fun of people like me.*  
  
"Aries to the Northeast, 45 degrees (1)," Quatre shouted over the communications. He was always watching everything in the battle, keeping track of where everyone was and making sure no one was taken by surprise. It always made me think he would be attacked from behind himself, while worrying about others, but it had yet to happen, "02, is it still safe for you to operate?"  
  
Duo replied between staggered breaths, but sounding as though he was having the time of his life, "I'm fine. It'll take more than a few hits to stop Shinigami(2)!"  
  
The effect of the simple question Quatre had asked was amazing. Suddenly, it was as though Duo had reached the breaking point and was able to push himself past his limit. His scythe slashed through the air, leaving his enemies without a chance. It was as though the battle was a dance and he was the only one who'd seen the choreography.  
  
My thoughts quickly returned to my own fighting as I realized OZ's new strategy. They had decided to group together and attack the Gundams, one mobile suit at a time, and they were starting with me.  
  
'I can't fight them all off.' I thought, preparing to fire another beam. Managing to disarm two of the Aries, I moved away in an attempt to break their formation or to at least be able to attack one before all the others. But they saw through my plan and remained in perfect configuration.  
  
And then they were upon me and I had naught to do but attack them all at once, trying to keep each of the mobile suits simultaneous within my mind. But there were too many and I kept getting hit, seemingly everywhere.  
  
Suddenly, Quatre was with me. Sandrock pulled up to my side and slashed away three of the enemy's suits. "Are you okay?" He questioned.  
  
"Nn." I replied, continuing with my attacks.  
  
The battle lasted a good half-hour longer before all of the OZ troops were destroyed, disarmed, or had retreated. Machine parts floated through space, showing nothing of their pilots, who were most likely dead.  
  
I had never seen Quatre angrier.  
  
"Why didn't you say something?" The blond pilot asked furiously over the communications, "You have to tell us if you need help! You could've been killed! It takes a few minutes to get across the battlefield to you! What if I hadn't been able to see you or there had been a few more mobile suits in my way? You need to be more careful!"  
  
For a moment, I was silent. I ignored Quatre's wait as I evaluated my Gundam's condition. Surprisingly, there was little damage. "Fine." I answered finally.  
  
* Actually, I want to try talking to you.  
  
I think, maybe we can become friends.*  
  
"Do you need help?" Quatre questioned me, walking up to my side and kneeling down. His eyes wandered over Heavy Arms' exterior, accessing the damage.  
  
I shook my head quickly from left to right. 'Just leave me alone.' I thought angrily. "No."  
  
He brought his eyes to meet mine and forced a weak smile. "Are you sure? I know it won't take you long, but if you want the company.." His eyes were shining with an unhidden hope. It was as though he wanted to stay with me.  
  
Turning back to my Gundam, I began repairing the damage done to the cockpit, completely ignoring Quatre's existence. 'Just go away,' I told him mentally, 'I'll just make a fool of myself if you stay.'  
  
But he didn't leave. As I continued to work on Heavy Arms, he stood next to me, occasionally handing me the appropriate tools for whichever part I was reconstructing. We continued to labor in silence until my Gundam was completely restored. The entire time, my thoughts wandered over possible topics that I could talk to Quatre about. But I couldn't think of anything worth saying.  
  
"Good as new," Quatre said cheerfully as we put the tools away, "Are you hungry? I could make us some dinner."  
  
I hesitated for a moment, pondering over the possible happenings of spending a dinner with him. The most likely would be that we'd sit in silence until the meal was complete, wasting both of our time. I had work to do anyway. "No." I answered solidly.  
  
For a second, I thought Quatre was going to cry. Tears seemed to swell up in his eyes and his smile dissipated as though it was a hydrophobic escaping the rain. But then, a forced smile returned. "All right. Maybe some other time." Slowly walking away, he didn't look back once as he exited the massive room.  
  
"Thank you." I said quietly as he disappeared from view.  
  
*You, whom I've always envied,  
  
Were trembling by yourself, crying hurt. *  
  
It was a long walk to my room from the hanger and it seemed even longer than usual that night. I couldn't help but wonder what would have happened if I'd accepted Quatre's invitation. Sure, there was the obvious answer. I'd already come up with that. But.. Maybe it would have been something more. Maybe it would have been worthy of my time.. and Quatre's.  
  
Guilt consumed me as I approached his room. I should have been kinder to him. He'd tried to be nice, offering to spend time with me, though I was the dullest of company, and I'd barely given him a decent response. I wasn't worthy of his companionship.  
  
I stopped as I heard a strange noise coming from his room. It sounded as though he were choking, fighting for breath. A fear tugging at my chest, I swung the door open and rushed inside. "Quatre?" I asked, my voice growing louder than it had ever been before.  
  
The room was dark and I could barely make out Quatre's fragile figure, sitting atop his neat, unused bed. He was hurriedly wiping at his face with his palms and he seemed to have stopped breathing all together.  
  
"T-Trowa?" He asked quietly, his voice shuddering like his body, which looked as though it couldn't stop vibrating.  
  
"Are you all right?" I questioned, walking to his bed and fixing my eyes on him. Something was wrong, but I couldn't tell what it was. I couldn't leave until I was sure he was all right.  
  
He nodded, remaining silent in the darkness. "Hold on a second, I'll get the light." He fumbled around a bit, searching for his lamp in the dark and a few seconds later a small lamp lit up.  
  
With the light, I could clearly see the tearstains on his pale face. Although he wore his often-seen artificial smile, he was obviously holding back more sobs.  
  
"I'm sorry if I woke you," he said in a voice no louder than a whisper, "I just...get terrible allergies this time of year. All the pollen makes my eyes itch."  
  
His lie was far from good. I could see the guilt begin to devour him immediately. 'He must be horrible at poker.' I thought.  
  
"You should get to bed," he told me, standing up next to me. He was significantly shorter. I hadn't noticed before, "It's getting late."  
  
I nodded and proceeded to leave. He'd all but told me to leave, I had no choice, or so I told myself over and over.  
  
"Good night." He called after me.  
  
I closed the door behind me without one word of farewell.  
  
* Hey, have you ever been scared and all alone?  
  
I guess everyone can be miserable and weak...  
  
If I had more courage,  
  
I would've hugged you tight.*  
  
Somberly, I returned to my room, my thoughts filled with Quatre's tear- drenched face and the sound of his wracking sobs. 'I shouldn't have left him.' I told myself, wondering what had possessed me to leave.  
  
I'd never noticed before, but that night I realized how alone I was, how alone we all were. There was just the five of us, five boys against the rest of humanity. All we had was each other.. And I couldn't even take care of Quatre.  
  
'I shouldn't have left him.' But I knew why I did. I was afraid of him. What if he laughed at me or hated me? There were only four people in the entire universe I could even think to grow close to, and it would be reduced to three.  
  
I don't think I've ever been so lonely in all of my life.  
  
*"I'm certain we can talk about a lot of things." And,  
  
Little by little our time ran out.*  
  
The next morning, Quatre was up early again to make breakfast. He wore an earnest smile and cooked as though nothing made him happier. It seemed as though he had come straight out of a kitchen appliance commercial. As though he should be dancing around with the frying pan.  
  
"Good morning," he said cheerfully, pulling out a chair for me to sit at the table, with the other three pilots, "Breakfast should be ready soon."  
  
"Nn." I muttered, taking my seat.  
  
It took a few more minutes for him to complete the meal. After serving it, he sat next to me and began to make idle conversation. "Did you sleep well?" He asked politely.  
  
Was he just speaking to me in an attempt to keep me from telling the others what had happened the night before? Or maybe he was just being polite? Or.. Could he possibly want to be friends?  
  
"Nn." I answered, taking another bite.  
  
"Good." He replied, the hope in his eyes dying once more.  
  
I couldn't stand to see it again. "This is delicious." I told him. Already I was feeling like I was speaking too much. I was just wasting their time..  
  
"Thank you." Quatre's eyes lit up with a genuine euphoria. Had he ever been happy before? If so, it was nothing compared to this.  
  
My heart seemed to fly above the room. "Who.. Taught you to cook?"  
  
He was blushing and seemed to be trying to hide his smile, though it covered his entire face. "We had a cook at home," he explained, "I asked her to teach me."  
  
I nodded, the greatest of satisfactions coming over me. I'd never been more pleased with myself. "What was her name?"  
  
* Why? I can't hear you, you're breaking up.  
  
I was having such a good time too...*  
  
Quatre's reply was interrupted by Hiiro's cellphone ringing. He answered the phone without a word and hung up without ever saying anything. "We need to leave immediately."  
  
We all stood without the slightest hesitation and hurried to our Gundams. No one spoke a word as we ran, not even to hear the details of our newest mission. Hiiro would brief us once we reached our mobile suits.  
  
I'd never before questioned a mission, but that day I wanted nothing more than to abandon it. We had finally started talking and it was all interrupted. It was probably my last chance to make friends with Quatre and it was gone.  
  
*You, who could weep when scared,  
  
Smiled all the time,  
  
For show only.*  
  
When we returned from the mission, Quatre was wearing the largest, most awful fake smile I'd ever seen. It was as though he was trying to convince not only us, but himself, that he was happy. It tore a hole through my heart.  
  
"I'll go make dinner." He told us, his grin remaining steady. Without another word he rushed ahead, leaving the three of us alone.  
  
"Do you think he's all right?" Duo asked, watching him disappear into the distance.  
  
"No," Hiiro answered in his usual monotone, "But it isn't our business."  
  
Duo was silent for a moment. "Maybe I should talk to him.."  
  
"He doesn't want to talk about it, Maxwell," Wufei snapped, "Otherwise he'd have said something."  
  
Duo must have been really worried. He didn't even continue the argument Wufei started, but just continued the walk to our safehouse. "If you're sure."  
  
*Hey, I've been scared and all alone, too.  
  
Miserable with my insignificance.  
  
If I had more courage...  
  
I would've hugged you tight.*  
  
Quatre didn't eat dinner that night. He returned to his room after serving us and didn't leave for the remainder of the evening.  
  
I walked by his room again on the way to my own and stopped to listen at the door. I could hear his sobs through the thin wood and my heart began to ache. 'Don't cry,' I told him mentally, 'Don't cry.' But Hiiro was right, it wasn't my business. And if he wanted to talk about it, he'd say something.  
  
I returned to my room with doubt gnawing at my stomach.  
  
*Just imagine it and you won't be alone.  
  
Close off your ears, and see with your heart.  
  
See, who will have tears today?  
  
Like the wind, I will envelop you...*  
  
I didn't sleep that night, so I heard Quatre when he left his room. He was walking lightly, trying to be quiet. As though his footsteps would wake someone.  
  
As he continued down the hall, I opened my door and began to follow him. My steps were silent and I was too far away for him to see me, should he turn to look behind him in the dark. We moved through the house and ended in the kitchen.  
  
Carefully he opened one of the drawers and produced a sharp steak knife. He slid to the ground with it clenched tightly in his fist. One of his tears caught the moonlight and reflected it with an eerie glow. He held up his other hand, bending his wrist towards him.  
  
I couldn't wait any longer. "Quatre?" I asked quietly.  
  
In surprise, he dropped the knife. It hid the tile next to him with an uncanny *klang*. He looked up at me and was silent for a moment. "I wasn't going to do anything," he said, his voice rushing, "Just seeing if the knife needed to be sharpened."  
  
There was nothing I wanted more than to hold him in my arms. What could he be thinking? Didn't he realize what would happen if 1/5 of us disappeared? Didn't he realize what would happen to me if I lost him?  
  
"I'm sorry," I whispered, sitting down on the ground beside him, "I didn't mean to.. disturb you. I just.. Get lonely sometimes."  
  
He was quiet. "We always had a lot of servants.. And I was always with my sisters," he said, his voice shaking, "I've never.. Been so alone."  
  
Slowly I brought a hand to his shoulder. He must've felt it shaking but he didn't say anything. "I'll stay with you," I replied, my voice beginning to quaver as a new fear arose, "As long as you'd like."  
  
His sobs continued and he buried his face in my side, wrapping his arms around my face. "I'm sorry," he cried, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry.I'm sorry.. ...Thank you."  
  
*Hey, have you ever been scared and all alone?  
  
I guess everyone can be miserable and weak...  
  
If I had more courage,  
  
I would've hugged you tight.*  
  
We sat there for a long time, but I didn't mind. As his tears drenched my shirt, I couldn't help but smile, though I felt awful about the fact. I wasn't useless. I had a purpose. Quatre needed me.  
  
He wasn't some demigod or immortal being. He was just like me, a young boy thrown into the midst of a war, afraid and alone. He needed someone just like me.  
  
I wanted to hold him in my arms, but I didn't dare. I was sure that if there was any more physical contact between us, I wouldn't be able to keep myself from kissing him. 'What is this feeling?' I asked myself, 'Do I really.. Love him?"  
  
He held onto me long after he fell asleep.  
  
*Hey, I've been scared and all alone, too.  
  
Miserable with my insignificance.  
  
If I had more courage,  
  
I would've hugged you tight.*  
  
"I'm lonely too, Quatre," I told him, when I was sure he couldn't hear me, "I'm scared.. It's just us. Five of us against... everyone. But I can't even create friendships with them. with you.. I can't even tell you how I feel. If I wasn't such a coward.. I should have held you and comforted you.. I'm so afraid.."  
  
I wished I were more courageous. I couldn't even talk to him unless he was asleep.  
  
*Hey, everyone can feel like they're alone.  
  
That's why we get scared.*  
  
"Trowa."  
  
I cursed myself a thousand times over. He wasn't asleep. I was sure he was sleeping. I could feel my heart beat double time and my breathing stopped all together. I squeezed my eyes shut and prayed it was all a dream.  
  
"I.. I'm sorry," he whispered. I could feel his eyes on me, "You aren't a coward.. I'm the one who didn't say anything. I would've killed myself if you hadn't." His voice trailed off. "We're not alone, Trowa," He continued, "I thought we were but.. How can we be alone if we have each other?"  
  
He put a hand on my arm and I could feel shivers running down my back.  
  
"Trowa.. I.. I love you."  
  
That was it. I couldn't be afraid any longer. I had to speak to him or I'd never get the chance again. "I love you too." Turning to face him, I took him into my arms and held him so tightly, I began to worry if he could breathe or not.  
  
"I'm sorry," he whispered, his tears dampening my shirt again, "I didn't say anything to you... But I-"  
  
"Shh," I hushed him, kissing his cheek, "You don't need to be afraid anymore."  
  
I could barely see him, but I knew he was smiling. "I love you." I repeated.  
  
He took my hand within his and kissed it gently, sending my heart flying. "I love you too, Trowa. We don't have to be alone anymore."  
  
*There's nothing to be afraid of, though.  
  
I will be there to hug you tight.*  
  
End. 


End file.
